Wednesday, December 17+26 reblog

this is my 9,999th post, which will be my second to last on this site. i’m about to roll up a blunt, finish off my neuro bliss drank, and do some yoga (which i am slowly teaching myself). i’m trying to instill more tranquility into my very chaotic life. 

keep climbing.

i’ve been staying at my mom’s to recollect myself and figure out what exactly i want to do at this crossroads i’m at. i’ve spent a long, long time thinking about my next step in life. school isn’t for me. working is for me, and i enjoy doing what i do (a rarity in the food service field, as i understand). but i want more, as always, because the human race is almost universally insatiable. 

i’m buckling down on my saving efforts towards a car, which will be a necessity for my plans to move to denver in the spring. this is no rash decision, like vegas ultimately as was. i could’ve made that work but was emotionally unwilling to (although, as always, that did work out for the best and i wouldn’t trade that experience for anything, except maybe a billion dollars). i didn’t have the emotional support i desperately need with that decision, and i left here with bitter feelings. i won’t be making that mistake again, as i’m finally learning from my many, many mistakes. 

i want to create more than i have. i want to do yoga on the side of a mountain that overlooks the many snowy peaks in denver. i wanna roll out of bed and hit up a dispensary before work (and i do plan on transferring to a mellow in the area as a server ((or a manager, if such an opportunity is available), if i can work that out). i want to get out of work and return, in my very own car, to my very own apartment. i want to gleefully coordinate travel plans with ronnie and cory when they come out to visit me. i owe the two of them more than i could ever say, and they’ve tolerated my less than ideal behavior toward them both, with love and understanding of my instability. they’re the two most beautiful people, inside and out, that i’ve ever met. i will (and already do) miss them terribly. tyler continues to be a support, whether he recognizes that or not, and has also single-handedly ensured my job over these last few months. i have the most wonderful friends in the world, including the new ones i’ve created at work. i love those mellow fellows as much as i can bear. they laugh alongside me all night and give me life, only overshadowed by my friends in the real world. 

i’ve been thinking about this since i left there last, toward vegas. i fell in love with denver, but i wasn’t in a good enough place to make that work either. i was angry and scared, two problems i struggle with every day but i’m trying. all i can do is try.

i miss the unity the gypsy commune gave us. every night was an adventure with those people, but we’ve split our separate ways (and i think for the best, honestly). we had a connection, and it was real. ups and downs at the same time, constantly inspiring each other to reach for more out of ourselves. and we reached, all of us coming to different conclusions to suit our different lives. we grew together, and i’ll cherish those memories for the rest of my life. our roaring (early) 20s. we had something very special. 

had being the key word.

laying on the floor of my mother’s room above the garage, my path feels very clear. the most clarity i’ve had in months. i pondered this ad-nauseam over my solo drive home from arkansas, and i feel secure enough to finally make that leap. everyone leaves home eventually, and i think my next step is obvious and i feel good about it. i feel fucking great about it. i’m ready to leap into the unknown and wade in the water.

i think of the friends i made here and wonder if they’re really, truly okay. if they fall asleep easily at night. if they love the paths they’re on. if they wonder about me, if they smile at the same memories i do. 

i want to be inspired by my location and embark on new adventures every day. i want to write and sing and meet (incredibly hot) new denver peoples (srsly tho, the okcupid pool in denver is overwhelmingly sexier than here in charlotte, and i think i say that without bias). 

so i suppose this is my goodbye, tumblr world. it’s been real hilarious and equally as infuriating to be apart of this weird, niche world. most people won’t bother to read this, but i hope my irl friends do. this says more than i’d be capable of saying in person.

as a true infj, i feel more comfortable with written word than spoken. 

i love and love and hate but love and don’t know where to focus those energies, but i feel strongly in my capability to find a home for them. i hope your adventures bring you light.

“Once in awhile, you get shown the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right.”